where freedom is found.

TW: Shayna's story is one of hope - testifying of the goodness and faithfulness of God. Depression and thoughts of self-harm are parts of her story. If these topics are triggering to you, please do not continue reading.

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 12:10, Romans 5:3-5, Psalm 116:5-7

Hello friends!

My name is Shayna Altvater, and this is my story about how God has, and continues to save my life. Both my soul and my body. I do not know if I would still be here if it wasn’t for God working in my life to rescue me. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home with loving parents and siblings. Sunday school, church services, and Bible camps taught me about God, how He loves us deeply and sent His son to die for us so that we can partake in His grace and stand blameless before God one day. I could rattle off lots of scripture, but of course this holds no meaning if you don't have a true relationship with God.

Growing up, I cared so much about the world around me that I became intensely stressed. I wanted to be accepted, to be loved, to make a difference and to fit in, just like we all do. My parents chose to homeschool me for my elementary years, so it was difficult to make friends simply because of lack of exposure. My loneliness led to deep and very negative thoughts about myself that I assumed were normal. I cared so much that it became a burden, and I started living for the world. This is common, so common in fact that if you are reading this, you have probably felt like this at one point or another.

For me however, there was a slight difference. There is not always a reason for mental illness. It is a disease of the mind, chemical imbalance, sickness, whatever you want to call it. Looking back on it, even as a child I had clinical depression. I spoke lies to myself for years and when I looked to the world for satisfaction, I only discovered evidence of these lies. Ideas that no one cared about me, it wouldn’t be noticed if I was gone, or that I was to blame for everything that went wrong. Around middle school and into high school, these toxic beliefs escalated and I isolated myself, searching for distractions to ease the pain of just simply being alive and being myself. I didn’t see my worth because I was looking for it in the world. It was too bright outside and too loud. I was so exhausted I couldn’t eat or even walk across my house without getting light-headed and needing to lay down. I would read the Bible all night and beg God to take the pain away. I didn’t know God’s love for me or my worth in Him. My freshman year, He saved me from ending my life twice. God slowly brought me from that place, and I learned to view myself and my worth as He does.

High school was a chaotic combination of faithful living, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and distractions because I was still chemically off and terrified of feeling that pain again. But God was incredibly faithful, and my faith in Him increased and my relationship with Him was strengthened. He also gave me a place among the running community where I felt like I could truly belong, and some awesome friends. Since then, running has continued to be a place where I truly feel like myself - present and at rest in my heart.

I still struggle with depression to this very day, having another difficult season in the fall of 2021 when I was finally diagnosed, and into this spring of 2022. In the spring I again considered taking my life, but praise Jesus for putting people in my life who got me help. God stunned me into a new perspective.

I want to emphasize this. Having a relationship with God is knowing the extent of your brokenness, and let me tell you, I am broken. But once this happens, it makes room for God. Because He is so good, He created you, beautiful and deeply loved in Christ, with a purpose. When you finally humble yourself, or break until you are nothing, searching the world only to find it's completely empty, then God can be invited into your life and your heart. That is what He has done for me.

What's even better? I am FREE.

Free from the burden of sin and the chaos of the world. Free from living by the worlds standards and being a slave to the lies I came to believe about myself or that the world believed about me. After years of living with mental illness, He’s given me joy. The worlds happiness is fleeting and wavers, but the joy God has given to me is too strong and solid to be controlled by human emotion. I can be joyful in the lowest places because of God’s grace.

Looking back now, I realize how God has blessed me. The dark seasons were necessary to bring me into a relationship with God - He taught me that what I was longing for can only be found in Christ. In fact, there has been no time in my life where I feel the presence of God like when I am empty, feeling like the dirt He created us with, but leaning on Him and trusting His purpose.

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weakness, in insult, in hardship, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

“Not only so, but we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” Romans 5:3-5

I no longer question who I am or why I’m here. I realize that God gave me the ability to care for others deeply so that I can spread His unconditional love. By learning about His grace, I have been able to give myself and others grace. By learning about His love, I have been able to love myself and others. I know life is a process and there are ups and downs, but God is consistent and forever.

He is my Hope, my Love, my Savior, my Creator, my Loving Father, my Protector, my Keeper. He always has been and will always be faithful to me, so I will give my life to Him - living to become the version of myself that God intends. Until one day, when my purpose on earth is served, I can thank Him face-to-face for everything.

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness, I would beg you to seek out help. You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine. Don’t stay stagnant and isolated, fight it. The second you give up the fight is the moment it gains a stronger hold on you. Don’t believe the lies you hear in your head. God has a purpose for you and loves you deeply.

Love, Shayna Altvater <333

"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unworthy; when I was brought low, He saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." Psalms 116:5-7